I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”
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My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.
Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two. Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian fag-hating spider 🙁
1 yr old Son: [picks up toy basketball and takes three wobbly steps forward].
Wife: omg he just took his first steps!
Me: [visibly upset] yeah but he traveled.
A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”
Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
I would be a bad fish.
Fishermen would be like, “omg i’m so ugly” and I’d take the bait and disagree, instead of swimming away.
“Call me crazy bu..”
You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
Me: Screams into the void
Void: screams back
Me: Screams into void again
Void:
Me:
Void: welp this is awkward, but I was actually screaming to the person behind you
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have
All of my loved ones know, that if I ever use the phrase
”He seemed nice, but he was a Capricorn” in a call, they need to get the cops involved, ’cause I’ve been kidnapped.
I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )
My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.
If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
OMG… JUST OPENED A CUPBOARD AND ALL MY POSTAGE STAMPS ARE PREGNA-
Oh wait, it’s Ravioli.
no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.
Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.
GIVE ME FUEL GIVE ME FIRE GIVE ME MILK THAT’S NOT EXPIRED
The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.
I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.
I eat them now.
For most people, bikini season lasts a few short summer months; but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I get to eat bikini all year round.
Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS
I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.
7YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
what kind of monster rides a horse through a desert and doesn’t have the decency to give the horse a name
Joker: hey can you not punch me? yanno, social distancing haha
Batman: *pulls out batarangs*
Joker: ohhh are those sanitized?
Batman: ugh you know we really shouldn’t even be out in Gotham
Joker: oh I just needed eggs lol
Batman: me too!
[both eye last carton]
Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.
I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.