[taking girlfriend out]
her dad: have her back at a reasonable time
me: don’t worry sir *clicks seatbelt* i have her back all the time
her dad: propose
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My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine
A corn maze, because the only thing worse than trying to get kids to eat vegetables is trying to get them to walk endlessly through vegetables.
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
I like that the same two questions are still unanswered from my childhood.. what’s the meaning of life? And can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?
Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send
Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.
Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN
my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.
Always.
(Click “gift options” for merch:
my toddler lifts up a piece of her salad and declares, “it’s a leaf, mommy.” and then: “let’s put it back outside.”
“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am
Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”
He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?
She: Roger
He: Does he bite?
She: No
He: How does he eat then?
Cashier: You just have to tap your credit card.
Me: *cautiously taps*
Cashier: Not against my forehead.
why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human
Last time I went to confession, the priest made me pause so he could open the urban dictionary on his phone.
Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried
Cat 911: What’s your emergency?
Cat: I knocked everything off the tables now I’m scared!
Cat 911: Seriously?
Cat: No, LOL!
Cat 911: LOL!
The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
How to cure a headache
1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.
Me food shopping alone: $250.00
Food shopping w/the husband: $99.75
Food shopping with the kids: $699.00
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
Everyone is scared I am going to take their mans, ma’am I got one at home who doesn’t even like me, I do not have special powers
they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there
I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
ME: *playing my kazoo softly in the library*
HER: excuse me, do you mind?
ME: why yes i do but i usually just call it thinking
Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.
10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.