checking out some reviews of my local library
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I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
I feel like one of these would kill a European
Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af
The list of “unfriendly” countries designated by russia is almost identical to the list of countries where there is drinking tap water. You can make your own conclusions, but I think that russians just don’t like tap water.
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash
When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.
The Blue Tooth in your ear tells me you are expecting an important call.
At Walmart.
At 8:00 AM.
On Sunday.
In the snack food aisle.
Ma’am.
I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
LOAN OFFICER: Sign here…
ME: *signs*
LO: And, here.
ME: *signs*
LO: Down payment, please.
ME: Here you go.
LO: You want road hazard insurance?
ME: Yes, please.
LO: Sign here.
ME: *signs* Is that it?
LO: Yes, the barista will call your name when the order’s ready.
I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no
Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge
@ConanOBrien My friend is an EMT and would do well at Trivia Mornings because…you guessed it…she is a first responder.
every pillow ad now is just them hurling shit like bowling balls at the product and acting like it means something. “see how poorly our competitors deflect this Olympian’s shot put?” great point, i’ll keep your product in mind if i go completely insane
game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]
I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭
Wife: “You want to come upstairs?”
Me: “Hell yes!”
Wife: “I was talking to the dog.”
Hormones: hey what’s up?
Me: just reading a book.
Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.
Me: wait no—
Hormones: AND CRY.
Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.
me forcing everyone to watch a movie i really like
There’s no such thing as bad press.
Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!
[first date]
Her: You made a giant Pentagram out of fries and ketchup?
Me: Just get naked and step into the circle. Don’t make this weird.
That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.
Interviewer: Why do you think you’d make a good waiter?
Me: (says nothing)
Interviewer: are you…waiting?
Me: *nods*
Interviewer: holy shit
Darth Vader: Luke
Luke: ya
Darth Vader: [heavy breathing] I am your father
Luke: um ok
Darth Vader: Also I’m vegan
Luke: NNNNNOOOOOOOOO
A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.
I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”
*buys Sushi for Dummies*
*preheats oven*
*reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*
*turns off oven*