I better fix the hinge on this cabinet door before Ryan Gosling comes over, takes his shirt off and builds my lady a house.
You Might Also Like
If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.
Insomnia: Hi
Me: Hi
I: Hope I’m disturbing you
M: You are
I: You know what we could do?
M: Let me sleep?
I: HA, no, let’s think about hippos
I ask myself, “How did I get here?,” I’m sure my neighbors ask the same question every time they catch me in their house…taking a shower.
I’m definitely the most successful guy in this dollar store.
Oh, wait.
That guy has a tuxedo t-shirt.
I’m the second most successful guy.
please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here…
-me opening the dryer
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug
*Gets off couch. Goes to Jedi school. Studies for months.
*Returns to couch.
*Uses the force to get last beer from the fridge.
I left Facebook because of the arguments about politics. That and seeing relatives I can’t stand. It was like having a family Christmas dinner every day.
I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.
I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.
I wasted my best smelling years on people who didn’t deserve me.
Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.
[on a date with a caribou as a favor to my sister]
me: so…did you like the movie?
caribou: *knocks over candy display & tramples 3 kids*
Saw a true dear friend today …. Thank God I was able to hide in time.
*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking
How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War
Some days you’re proud of your 6 year old for being such an avid reader, and some days you go into his room to tell him you’re proud of him for being such an avid reader but before you get through the door he looks up from his book and cries out, “be gone, foul beggar!”
“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”
Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom
Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.
Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here
Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.
Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.
Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”
Have kids. It’s fun.