[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”
You Might Also Like
Me: tries to sleep
Brain:
M:
B:
M:
B:
M:
B: if one synchronized swimmer drowns do the others have to drown too?
[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)
pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off
[runs inside of a gas station]
“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”
*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game
Happy Febuary everyone!
I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
Horrifying if literal: armchairs
A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.
R-E-S-C-E-P-T, found out I need a dictionary
Any time a child tries to guess my age.
One day, thousands of years from now, archaeologists will dig up my dead body and be like, “She’s been lying on top of the remote this entire time.”
If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer
Who would of thunk it folks, having a mask, rubber gloves, bleach and hand sanitizer is now acceptable to have in your vehicle.
My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.
Every restaurant that opens around my town is like “come on by for amazing food, our hours are Wednesday to Thursday, 1pm-3pm, can’t wait to see you!”
my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us
– much ado about nothing
– 2 much 2 nothing
– much ado 3: toyko drift
– much nothing
– much 5
– much ado 6
– nothing 7
Turns out “pick the biggest one & punch him in the face” gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.
Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.
Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?
“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going
I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
Years after finishing high school I now know the true importance of punctuation signs
They are for making cute smiley faces
(^_^)/
6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?
Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.
6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?
44.65
*click*
44.87*click*
44.96*click*
44.98*click*
44.99*click*
45.01~ gas pumps
Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them