[me as a ninja]
[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]
[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]
You Might Also Like
Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to
“and this blood shall be called A+”
all the other blood types: “k wow we’re like right here”
They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle
I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.
Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.
no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls
handsome & gretel
if you call football “soccer” in front of the wrong person, they will throw themselves on the ground, dramatically, hoping a referee will hold up a little card that makes you go away
Man to Psychiatrist; Dr I’m very depressed, all my 3 sons want to grow up and want to be valets.
Psychiatrist; This is the strangest case of Parking sons disease I’ve come across.
At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.
My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.
Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.
must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.
🎶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶
*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*
Him: Is that a new shampoo?
I want Grandmmarly, the app that passive aggressively corrects my grammar but also mails me a 5 dollar bill on my birthday
if you’ve ever been worried about pitching something crazy at your job, imagine being the person who suggested taking temperatures rectally
I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.
black phone good
The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
[tinder date]
me: oh wow this is awkward
sunset: *just kinda sets there*
me: but i thought you were, you know
sunset: *still setting*
me: a shy woman who used a sunset pic as your profile photo and not uhhh
sunset: *fully sets behind the restaurant table edge*
My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.
My 5yo got a watch for Christmas and now she’s announcing the time every single minute. Please respect our privacy during this difficult time.
The Conjuring 3:
Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.
The kids torment them back.
They’re better at it.
The spirits flee.
Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.
I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart
If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.
I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never
I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.
Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*
I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.