I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.
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Carson: No it wasn’t a friend it was a close family member. And I didn’t stab her I froze her heart.
“Sir, that’s the plot of Frozen.”
She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.
Him: Parent-teacher night is next week.
Me: Will there be snacks?
Him: Does it really matter?
Me:
Him: *sighs* Yes.
Me: Okay. I’m in.
Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?
Me: Boiling water?
Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work
This kid will have a bright future.
*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*
*forgets what they’re called*
Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?
My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.
Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!
Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i
Other Titanic lookout: hmmm
Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.
Tilda Swinton is the last person on Earth, having solely survived the apocalypse. A tumbleweed rolls by. She picks it up and eats it. ‘Delicious,’ she says, as she gets down on all fours then gallops into the night.
Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers
Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.
As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.
[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.
Me: I played this as a kid. It’s from back when video games made sense
6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle?
Me: Because I’m a plumber
Gift-Wrapping Club for Men Rules:
1) There is no such thing as too much tape
2) Forget everything you know about right angles
3) Gaps can be filled in with a different kind of paper or sticky notes
4) It’s okay to swear at scissors
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again
Do not go gentle into that good night,
Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.
Please stop telling dirty jokes at the office. It’s inappropriate, and you’re talking too softly for me to hear the punchlines.
MAGICIAN: think of a card!
ME: ok.
MAGICIAN: is… this ur card?
[holds up card that says “UGH I HATE MAGIC SHOWS THIS IS CRAP”]
ME: holy crap
[1st date]
ME: We should totally go Dutch.
HIM: I wasn’t raised that way.
ME: *sadly looking at my wooden shoes* Okay.
“He looks just like his grandfather” is a cute thing said about a new baby in most parts of the world. In Alabama,it’s more of an accusation
[Walking thru a dark alley late at night]
Thug: This is an arm robbery!
Me: Don’t u mean “armed” robbery?
Thug: *takes out chainsaw* Nope
Me: Tell me about your weekend.
Bob: Why? You never ask.
Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative.
Bob: That’s disgus-
Me: It worked! Bye.
That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless