I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.
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At 51, I have turned 17 three times and let me tell you I understand the cicada’s compulsion to sit in a tree and scream.
[Leaving office]
BOSS: I’m gonna work on my car this weekendME: Wow *shakes head* you really should consider getting a desk
FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.I’ll keep you all posted.
“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.
Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.
Me: *sends a pic of my bills*
*Japanese Zen garden tour*
Guide: It’s important to be quiet & not disturb the-
*Me from back eating huge bag of chips*: DUDE WE CANT HEAR U
My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.
This is my time to shine.
“let’s run away together” babe no we have dishes to do
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.
I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.
[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage
No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.
KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
K: What
ME: I’m all yours
K: Wait
Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.
*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*
“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.
*first day of umpire school*
Teacher: You seem disappointed, is there something wrong?
Me: *wearing fake fangs* no no it’s fine
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.
If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley
Don’t cry for me, Argentina,
Keep your face dry, Dubai,
No tears, Algiers,
Or from you, Peru,
Now Oman, no cry.
just gave my 5yo power of attorney
5yo: if superman & batman had a big fight, superman could throw him into space where he’d suffocate’. I’m raising a problem solver you guys.
If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.
The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.
People think it’s funny when I tell them not to tickle me or I’ll pee. But they don’t laugh when the tickling has ended and the pee continues. “She’ll ruin all the furniture!” one cries. “Why is she still smiling?!” screams another.