I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.
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Memo to self: When trying to set someone on fire, it’s important to use gasOLINE and not your own gas, no matter how much cabbage you may have had the night before.
I’m sick of everybody in this house.
-me, who lives alone.
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
*bursts into a bank*
EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME
*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”
Rich People Podcasts are wild.
All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.
Barista: May I suggest a French vanilla caramel mocha? It pairs well with our bourbon maple bacon glazed donut.
Me: That many flavors would give my palate a nervous breakdown.
Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
M: I’m gonna go relax
H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help
Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.
My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.
– My neighbor
cop: why’d you kill him?
me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers
cop: ugh hate that you’re free to go
took a DNA test and found out all my ancestors were also tired
Not to brag but my son’s friend said “Your dad looks hot” when I was cleaning the pool. She followed with “Is that heat stroke?” but still.
“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere
McDonald’s just offered me a coupon book to promote the mcrib in a tweet?? Lmao no thanks,, im not THAT cheap. Not like the McDonald’s™️ McRib™️ sandwich. So tangy. So delicious. A little slab of heaven for a mere $2.99 now available for a limited time only
For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.
A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer
hey guys. um so say i hypothetically worked at a big tech company and hypothetically spilled some diet ginger ale on the big um servers in the back room and now a lot of stuff is going wrong. what should i hypothetically do
“Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?”
Well I’m going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.
Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard a cat screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. Sometimes they do that when they are in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT
Last night I woke up freezing and discovered that my husband had stolen all the covers. I did what any mature, married woman would do; I woke him up and told him I heard a strange noise downstairs.
The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.