Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.
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Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.
Rey: Why do you hide behind a mask?
Kylo Ren: *takes off his mask to reveal his real face*
Rey: Wow. Put the mask back on.
Me: Any news?
Doctor: I’m just waiting for your x-ray.
Me: But I’ve never dated anyone called Ray.
Doctor: And we might do a brain scan.
Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow
kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again
Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”
Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.
*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*
me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*
“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.
*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.
I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny
Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife
Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds
My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce
Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.
the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
Ya know how some of our grandparents are weird about not throwing food away because they grew up poor? I wonder if like 40 years from now our grandchildren are going to be like “why does Nana have 70 rolls of toilet paper at all times? She’s so weird.”
My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.
I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.
I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
You: What happened to your hand?
Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.
The stages of giving my dog a new stuffy:
1) oh my god for me?!
2) this is the best day ever
3) this house is full of thieves trust no one
For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.
Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon
me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS
wife: quit blasphlegming
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana
I’m so glad the Met gala is back because after all the sadness and introspection of last year I can once again ask “What is this event exactly” and “Who cares” and “Why do I know this is a thing”