I booked a suite at a 5 star hotel and when my girlfriend arrived,on the bed spelled out in rose petals was “be right out,I’m taking a shit”
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It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.
ME: What do you want for our anniversary?
WIFE: Oh I saw this cute little alligator brooch
ME: Ok
WIFE: You’re not going to write it down
ME: Nah, I’ll remember
[later]
WIFE {opening package}: Crocs?
I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.
Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.
“How much to go into this haunted house?”
“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”
“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”
To the organizations that send me news alerts: However interested you think I am in the private life of Taylor Swift, I promise you it’s less than that.
GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: solving equations
professor 3: wow
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
Apparently trying to bribe a zookeeper to set up an animal Thunderdome situation will get you kicked out of the zoo.
FRIEND: What’s your favorite underground band?
ME: Hmm…The Beatles
FRIEND: They’re not really considered underground
ME: Half of them are
No, YOU ploughed your car into your garage door because it was icy/you weren’t paying attention/whatever excuse is gonna get me out of trouble
[in car]
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
*at party*
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF
Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”
I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.
It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.
sometimes work CAN be fun, like reading through a long, complicated email and realizing you have zero responsibility for it so you can immediately forward to the person that does while laughing
Remember when we used to eat cake after someone blew all over it?
Good times.
I should’ve peed first
– my headstone
The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.
Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.
Can. I. Help. You.
Holy moly
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
[on a date]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach
“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”
[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok
If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
Daughter: we’re both wearing vests again!
Me: that makes us vest friends!
Daughter: vest friends forever!
Me:
Daughter:
Me: HAHAHAHA!
Daughter: HAHAHAHA!
Wife: did you buy those just so you can make that joke with her?
Me: i’m invested in our relationship : )
I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.