FRIEND: Don’t come on strong.
{Later}
DATE: Want to try some of my soup?
ME: The spoon is too heavy.
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Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them
a fun wedding bit is to sit next to a random guest, point to the bride or groom & whisper, “it should’ve been you”
no one:
absolutely no one:
my 8 year old: i hate lasagna if someone ever brought me one when im old id make my wife eat it
“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
I need you to fill my water bowl but I’m also going to stand directly in your path and trip you 7 times before you can get to the sink.
– Dogs
[tv announcer] Are you bloated? Tired? Unable to enjoy the activities you once loved?
[me with mouthful of chips] YEAH
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
Friend: You look different…younger…really great
Me: I had a little something done
Friend: *whispers* Face lift?
Me: Colonoscopy
5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?
Me: After lunch time
5YO *8:10 am*: I’m hungry, can I have some lunch now
Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.
Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.
Came out pretty well.
[at pet store]
Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.
First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]Her: do you come here often?
Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*
People on tiktok r like “I bought the viral mascara so you don’t have to” and im like when did I have to……
I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.
Except Fortnite.
the first time my brother got covid, he decided to shave his head and tell everyone it was one of the symptoms, which was just so wrong yet so very very funny
I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone
this is one of the funniest videos of all time
Everyone’s AVI – Sorry. This is the absolute best I can look. I’m actually suspended upside down in this shot and I rented a wind machine.
WHAT SIGN IS SHE
Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.
🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge
Me: I have to go to a funeral.
Her: Oh, I’m so sorry. Who died?
Me: One of my clients… It’s a business funeral, not a pleasure funeral.
My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.
Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks
Can you imagine if it was normal to say goodbye to everyone in the movie theater? “… have a good one.. enjoyed watching the movie with you..”..
A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do