I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.
That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.
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Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.
the tiny monsters are on their way. and my job. is to hold this bucket of snacks for them. i was told they can only take one. but that’s not my rule to enforce
When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.
Cult Leader: Our god must be appeased
Me: Maybe he’d like to be acarroted instead
Cult Leader: …
Wife: Omg I can’t take you anywhere
Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong
Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher
I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.
Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?
“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am
I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.
If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works
The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.
I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
How do I delicately tell my toddler that her birthday is actually 254 days away and not tomorrow like she says it is? With a cake? Maybe some balloons?? A few new toys wrapped in wrapping paper???
No, Autocorrect ….
the lovely bride was not wearing
a SATAN trimmed lace ensemble –though she can be devilish at times.
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
Sharks: [losing teeth]
Tooth fairy: please stop
Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*
Ever get up, put the dogs out, unclog the overflowing toilet the wife left for you, get dressed for work, let the dogs in and then wake up in the easy chair and find you’re 20 minutes late?
Just me?
The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.
90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there
How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.
Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?
My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.
Me:
My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them
therapist: so, what do you say when she says that
me: you sound like your mom
therapist: 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice
The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.