I bought a CD today.
Now I’m waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.
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spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
Me: I never remember whether I’m supposed to play dead or make myself as big as possible
My Boss: when you get up, go ahead and close my door and have a seat
There should be a job like: divorce doula. I’ll help you find a lawyer, convince you that you’re enough, take you out for drinks, let you vent & cry during that hard 18 months, eventually convince you that a $70 sex toy can replace anyone. Start to finish divorce support.
Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it
Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
reporter: “what inspired your theory of gravity”
isaac newton: “i fell off the toil-”
agent: [leans into mic] “an apple hit him on the head”
[after recapturing an escaped convict]
sheriff: “congratulations on your absquatulation from prison but its time to go back to the slammer”
convict:
deputy *feels for a pulse*: “sheriff, hes absquatulated!”
sheriff: “we really need separate Word of the Day calendars”
“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese
My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings
Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.
Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience
Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?
I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
today is my son’s 3rd birthday. google let me know i had picture memories of the day. i opened it up to show him but all the pictures i took were apparently of a cannoli i ate immediately after he was born
when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u
They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!
*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*
Sweardle is the 4-letter expletive-only version of Wordle. I can’t help but think they’ve missed a trick, however, by not calling it Angry Words.
Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?
Hockey puck:
It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.
How to impress your ex:
1. Get rich
2. Get more attractive
3. Get a tiger
4. Ride tiger everywhere in preparation for confrontation with ex
About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
me: why
bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline
Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?