I bought a CD today.
Now I’m waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.
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If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore
Dudes wash, shampoo, condition & rinse in under three minutes while women take a shour.
Pelican: OMG she is gorgeous
Water buffalo: Who?
P: That beautiful flamingo over there.
WB: Go talk to her.
P: She’s way out of my league, I don’t think I can.
WB: What do I always tell you Gary? You’re a Pelican…
WB/P: …not a Pelicant.
I know I shouldn’t be on top of this table singing Don’t Stop Believin’ loud, off-key, and wrong, but please know it’s because I love all of you. You’re my friends, my family, an-
~ Me, right before getting kicked out of Starbucks
GOD: YOU ARE BANISHED FOR EATING THE FORBIDDEN FRUIT
Adam: sorry, Eve told me to!
Eve: i didn’t say “apple” i asked you to eat my a–
GOD: THAT ALSO IS FORBIDDEN
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter
*donates body to science*
Science: “I have a boyfriend”
Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?
Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.
My phone automatically flagged a bunch of my selfies as “low quality images” and I’m not gonna lie, that stings a bit.
Sometimes I accidentally make eye contact with someone and it’s like “well I better just go with it” and I begin sprinting at them
Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?
I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
therapist: so, what do you say when she says that
me: you sound like your mom
therapist: 🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️
I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.
MAKE THE ENTIRE DESK OUT OF MOUSE PAD STUFF
I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.
I think I need a hard boiled egg.
We’re out of milk.
Eh, kids can drink water.We’re out of bread.
PB&J on hot dog buns it is!We’re out of coffee.
WHAT. Get my keys.
My parents are just back from Little Women. My mam absolutely loved it but my dad isn’t happy because there was a Waterford Crystal bowl in the background of a scene and Waterford Crystal wasn’t around back then and therefore, the movie is no good.
My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*
Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong
Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.
A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok
*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation
Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?
Other friend: What, like in tacos?
This is why I love them.
No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.