@juneohara65: I bought a designer body bag and now I'm scared to gain weight.
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@NorCalBratt: "Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened." Me, to my empty bag of Oreos.
@Black__Elvis: My boss told me if I kept showing up late he'd give me a pink slip and I was like, how does he know about my tastes in women's underwear?