I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.
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saying monkeys r ur favorite animal is basically saying u like a shorter, hairier version of urself who can only communicate by screaming
me: I’d like some ham please
server: ok how much
me: I really really want it
if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn
ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.
[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most
Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA
FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!
Fifty percent of parenting is asking, “What did I do to deserve these sweet kids?” and fifty percent is asking “What the hell did I do to deserve these kids?”
Torturer: I will break you
Me: Do you wear that hood to hide your sadness?
Torturer: *broken* ah hell man I just wanted to be a chef
Still my favorite television listing of all time:
ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*
PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way
The partisan media is ONCE AGAIN twisting my words, so let me make this perfectly clear: I am NOT a little teapot. The video clips being circulating showing me stamping my feet and repeatedly insisting that I AM a little teapot have been taken out of context.
Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.
[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo]
DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo?
DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]
I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?
A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”
Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
[sitting in the front seat of an UberPool while a couple makes out hardcore in the back]
[at a red light, the driver and i suddenly lock eyes]
me: do ya wanna…?
uber driver: no
Hear me out….
A pub crawl, but to bakeries.
Tall, fit, great hair, dazzling smile, good with kids, excellent swordsman, right-handed.
~ Captain Hook’s Tinder profile ~
[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.
ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
Our vision of Hell doesn’t come from the Bible; it’s a composite drawn from fictional sources like The Divine Comedy and Paradise Lost. Fearing Hell is tantamount to fearing the plot of a Stephen King novel.
WAITRESS: Is that a no on dessert?
People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!
Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?
Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does
Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.
mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku
church choir: faatherr, sonn, aand hoolyy g-
[the ghostbusters barge in]
church choir, nervously: -oooats
[ghostbusters slowly back out]
A universal unit of measurement is especially helpful in the squid world where you can enjoy tentacle-long hotdogs, chicken tentacle soup, pickled pig’s tentacles and the kids favorite fruit by the tentacle.