I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.
“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”
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I’m at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.
My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.
There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.
Me: I’m way tougher than you.
Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural.
Me: So?
Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.
How many boats could Lisa Kudrow row if Lisa Kudrow could row boats?
So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids
I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.
Big Sex has us all fooled
Spoil any movie by telling ur friend “Ice Cube dies” before they watch it. They’ll be waiting for Ice Cube to appear and die the whole time
pizza
Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.
the British: we demand to be taken seriously
also the British: I nipped down to Boggy Bottom and split a toad-in-the-hole with Mr Pumblychook
Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye
Alexa, make out with the Roomba
Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks
Lil Brain – Out of Leads
When I die I want to come back as a ghost to haunt my adult children’s houses, just passive-aggressively turning off lights they’ve left on and pointedly moving their shoes to the shoe cabinet, just heavily sighing the whole time
Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool
Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2
Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…
You can’t have it both ways mate
*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid
i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat
WIFE: what’s going on?
ME: [locking the door] I haven’t had an apple in 3 days
DOCTOR: [outside, stethoscope in hand] I can hear u breathing
The greatest Valentines Day indignity is buying yourself a bottle of prosecco to drink with your cat, and discovering that neither of you can open it.
I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
I bought my 7 yo light pink bedsheets & she keeps referring to them as her “skin sheets” and telling me how creepy they are.
“I’m going to bed now but I want you to know these skin sheets are terrifying”
Why is it that when other women wear a chain over a turtleneck it looks impossibly chic but when I do it I look like that 1994 photo of The Rock
Take a day off. Pamper yourself. Visit a spa. Pour melted wax on ur body. Rip the hair out by the roots. Inject poison into ur face. Relax.