I bought a pair of underwear today.
In the front it says ‘I would do anything for love’.
In the back, ‘But I won’t do that’.
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My son wants a pet pig so if he asks the ham he ate for dinner last week was pterodactyl meat.
[first date]
-so how do you feel about octopus?
Her: I like em
-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]
Hi, I’m Brandon and I’ll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are “ur mom”, “lol own3d”, and “u mad bro lol u mad?!??!”
Spilling a full alcoholic drink you’ve already paid for is the grownup version of loosing a balloon.
#AmazingFacts #Tuesday #RubbishJokes
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.
ROOKIE: Looks like the air bag failed to inflate
COP: Actually it did, the guy is just ugly
ME: C’mon guys I’m still alive here
*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*
All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.
*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.
Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.
Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 😍
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.
I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created
*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.
Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”
Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.
Me: What a gorgeous day! I’m going to *make the most of it.
*Pulls open the blackout curtains exactly one inch
The most magical part of the holiday season is when my husband looks lovingly into my eyes and says, what did we get my mom for Christmas?
Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive
gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv
me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*
I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight
*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*Being a vegetarian is easy!
Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are
Rules for meeting a puppy:
1 be cool
2 pet it
3 do not steal it
4 stop running from the owner
5 put it down
6 this isn’t worth jail time
Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.
Me: Loving this juice cleanse.
Wife: That’s sangria.
*swallows pride*
*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*
canning is fun because if you get all the steps exactly right you get to eat very old cucumbers and if you get the steps even the littlest bit wrong you get to die of botulism