I bought a pair of Undies yesterday.
On the front it says, “I Will do Anything For Love”
..and on the back it says, “But I Won’t do That.”
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My kids super power is knowing he won’t like a food before he even tries it
Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.
*first day of umpire school*
Teacher: You seem disappointed, is there something wrong?
Me: *wearing fake fangs* no no it’s fine
me: [robbing a bank] ok everybody hands in the air
everyone: [puts hands up]
me: [already mad with power] one hop this time
Coworker: First case of coronavirus in our city.
Me: *coughs*
Coworker:
Me: *hands coworker gun* You know what needs to be done.
Coworker: You choked on water. I saw you.
Me: YOU KNOW WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.
I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.
Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot
Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.
Baby wood ducks hurl themselves 60’ from nests in tree cavities a day after they hatch but sure son, I can bring your laundry downstairs
Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
put on my eevee cosplay and my mom said i looked like a squirrel and took a picture of me in our yard and posted it in our neighborhood facebook group saying that the squirrels are getting larger this year and that someone needs to contact animal control
Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
[buying groceries]
me: do you think Jeff Bezos’ divorce will impact this place at all?
Whole Foods clerk: nah probably not
[1 year later]
Half Foods clerk: ok so I was wrong
I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
What have you done…🐈🐾🥴
Sound On..🔊🆙
Some days you’re proud of your 6 year old for being such an avid reader, and some days you go into his room to tell him you’re proud of him for being such an avid reader but before you get through the door he looks up from his book and cries out, “be gone, foul beggar!”
You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.
My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we’re going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.
ABRAHAM: You didn’t get me anything for Father’s Day.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, let’s call it even.
ABRAHAM: I feel like you use that excuse a lot.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, probably gonna keep using it.
Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.
*at a restaurant, eating burgers*
Me: “I don’t take condiments well.”
Friend: “Don’t you mean compliments?”
Me: *already covered head-to-toe in ketchup*
You make me want to be a better sentence completer.
everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will
MAGICIAN: think of a card!
ME: ok.
MAGICIAN: is… this ur card?
[holds up card that says “UGH I HATE MAGIC SHOWS THIS IS CRAP”]
ME: holy crap
In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.
Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.
2: [looks at old photo]
Papa you have no beard?Me: That was a long time ago, before Papa grew one.
4: [looks at same photo]
This before Mama had one, too?My wife:
Me: [sighs] 4 years. You had a good run, son.