@TySmithdrums: I bought a spray bottle to break my girlfriend of looking at her phone when I'm speaking. I hide it after use so she doesn't know who did it
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@Mr_Kapowski: To the cars honking behind me, Sorry I held up the drive thru line for 5 minutes counting to make sure I got all 50 of my McNuggets
@fro_vo: Friend Who I Haven't Seen in a While: your kid's gotten so big! what is he, four? Me: i have no idea what he's for
@iAmDelFreaky: I just opened an Easy Bake Oven restaurant. Please call your order in, 17 hours prior to your arrival.