@TySmithdrums: I bought a spray bottle to break my girlfriend of looking at her phone when I'm speaking. I hide it after use so she doesn't know who did it
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@WetzelGeek: Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.
@skullpuppy11: The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it's eyes when it saw me.
@mattZillaaaa: [1st date] You're gonna love this place *pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away