@TySmithdrums: I bought a spray bottle to break my girlfriend of looking at her phone when I'm speaking. I hide it after use so she doesn't know who did it
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@Mr_Kapowski: My favorite sushi bar is the one where you can yell "ARF, ARF" like a seal and the chef throws raw fish in your mouth
@GulfCoastJake: Tip: When the cop asks you "Do you know how fast you were going?" do NOT respond with "I know, right?!"
@ShortSleeveSuit: [on an airplane] Me: Is the pilot any good? Flight attendant: One of the best Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?
@Nahdude83: I was thinking about robbing this sperm bank, but I think they've already seen me coming.