ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything
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I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.
-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline
Baby Bella mushroom: Where did I come from?
Full of shiitake biology teacher:
Well when umami and udadi who love each other very much…
Heard a young person say that if you’re over 40, your bedtime should be before 10. I was immediately offended until I realized mine is 9:45
Finally found a house! We couldn’t afford it and it wasn’t for sale, but we just murdered the owners and took it anyway. Happy Columbus Day!
Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword
I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
Sixteen years and 200+ million users ago, we could not have imagined ourselves here. Today, Vimeo is a public company. Thank you to everyone who helped us reach this point. We can’t wait to take Vimeo into the future. #VMEO
Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?
[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?
UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”
A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered
I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.
Can’t wait for the day off from work so I can sit on the couch at home and stare at the TV screen while thinking about work.
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.
Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams
Drinking at home is convenient, sure, but it’s nothing like the experience of leaving the pub feeling fifty bucks lighter.
Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5’9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please
The Bachelorette… but for cats.
Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?
Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.
Last night, I was running from Justin Bieber-head polygamist in Utah-who demanded that I become his 4th wife.
I’m not taking any Benadryl tonight
He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry
Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.
Wife: Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite!
Me: Haha funny.
[under the mattress]
Bed Bug King: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL *tiny drums bang*
Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?
Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?
Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.
(Standing in front of 3d printer waiting for my bullets to print out as a killer walks toward me) come onnnn come onnnnnn