I can tell I’m watching too much porn when I’m filling up w/ gas & just before the nozzle clicks off I pull it out and spray it on the car.
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What’s a retweet called now?
I vote Xerox.
[11yo takes unflattering picture of me]
11: Hahaha OMG look at this
Me: Sweetie, I’ve got blackmail material on you that would make you weep
*waits for a sign*
*dead bird falls from sky*
*waits for another, better sign*
He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’
ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness
STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no
[helping son prepare for first date]
“what if she doesn’t like it”
*stuffing handkerchiefs up son’s sleeve* be confident in your magic, son
Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.
My inexpensive home security system…
When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
Me: Today I will be patient, kind, and tolerant of things that I can’t control
Also me: Screams at toothpaste for not coming out of the tube faster
I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.
I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair
Good night cop: Want the light on or off? Sweet dreams kiddo.
Bad night cop: You will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep.
7-year-old: What’s for dessert?
Me: Eat your dinner first.
7: I need a goal.
For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.
Me: Look! I took the giant box that the t.v. came in & made it into a really cool cat house!
Mom: So you’re still not dating anyone, I see.
Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝
I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.
🙁
One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.
Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.
Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.
Host: Today on House Flippers, a houseboat
Couple: I heard Dracula killed a bunch of people on this boat?
Host: The important thing is choosing a layout that makes it feel like a home (pause) I’m thinking new cabinets
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.