Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.
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My 6 year old doesn’t like it when I take her out on her scooter, but to be honest she shouldn’t stand in my way when I ride it
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!
Angel: So the sins are deadly.
God: Yep!
Angel: So like, do you die if you commit one?
God: Well, no.
Angel: So why call them deadly?
God: It’s like *waving arms* spooky, you know?
Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.
Her: Your house has a lot of cool stuff in it… Who plays the piano?
Me: Pretty much anybody who is trying to get on somebody’s nerves.
I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.
I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken
I’m delighted we’ll soon see a dog again in the White House, but look forward to the day when there will finally be a cat in there. Who’ll then want to be outside the White House, and twenty minutes later, back inside the White House again.
Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
Never feel more attractive than when my picture of cornbread gets almost as many likes as my selfie. “She’s ok, but she’s no cornbread.”
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
Me: Man I’m never going to find the one
Friend: You will, dude
Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options
I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.
I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.
Husband: Don’t tell me they forgot my fries again! How does that keep happening?
Me (swallowing quickly ): Weird, right?
Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.
I convinced my daughter (5) that the Roomba is her pet robot, so now she cleans him and feeds him. This is my greatest accomplishment as a parent. It can only go down from here.
movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else
*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later
#inspiration #foodforthought
*sees cute bald guy in sunglasses
*spends 10 minutes flirting from across the bar
*realizes sunglasses are on the back of his head
8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”
“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it
You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.
Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.
That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.
What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls