When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.
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why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening
[anniversary text]
H: miss u already. don’t get too lonely in that hotel suite w/o me.
M: *soaking in hot tub, sipping 4th mimosa while eating chocolate covered strawberries* who dis?
me: I wish my dad was alive
genie: done
[elsewhere]
dad: *stuck in a coffin* oh no not again
Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”
what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness
🎶 I’m a cat, boy / in a sealed box I hide / I’m Wanted / dead and alive!
– Bon Schröedi
Me: Shhhhh. Keep it quiet…I’ll slip out of bed and find you around 3:00 am.
Leftover Pie:
No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.
Did…did a minotaur write this
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend
My favorite sound in the world is my kids laughter.
A close second is when their breathing changes indicating they’ve fallen asleep thus giving me permission to stare at my phone peacefully
Dear movies,
We’ll never be upset to the point of throwing expensive jewelry at the bottom of the ocean. Never.Sincerely,
Women
Comparing yourself to others
Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.
When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.
Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*
date: what turns you on?
me: cartoon superhero movies
date: [laughing] incredible
me: yah that’s my go to
Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.
Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.
Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.
At my funeral I want the priest to read out a long bit about how much I loved darts. I don’t love darts but my family and friends will be like “wow we never really knew him”.
me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…
Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know
Me: Oh yes! I do know them!
Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? 🙂
Me: oh God no
sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfishFin
2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.
My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.
At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!