@TheRealAnchovy: I bought my dog a toy cell phone, now it takes him 45 minutes to shit.
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@kellyoxford: Web MD is like a Choose Your Own Adventure book where the ending is always cancer.
@AngelaEhh: OMG you guys. I just got asked out. By a real live guy. I don't know what to do!? Play dead? Duck and roll? I'm so confused!!
@AaronFullerton: We can teach kids there's no "i" in team but it's way more important to teach them that there's no "a" in definitely.
@david8hughes: [lying with girlfriend & looking up at the stars] "Hey--" *points to shooting star* "You've put on a lot of weight."