What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose.
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Me: Does the Nintendo Power Hotline still exist?
Cop: I suggest using your one phone call to contact a lawyer, sir.
[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.
people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!
the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.
Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.
“Your dinner is good, but my taste buds can’t appreciate it” my son said, so I guess he’ll have a great career in politics
First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”
Me: *finishes up dinner date*
Me: *sits down at new table* Sorry I’m late, traffic was awful
Her: …you were literally sitting at the table right next to this one
Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.
On tonight’s episode of regrettable parenting decisions, I gave my 3 yo slime and specifically told her not to put it in her hair. You can guess where the slime was ten minutes later.
Me: “You do NOT need any chips. Please leave them alone.”
6y/o, running off with bag of chips: “Yay, it says it’s Party Size!”
*trips, dumps half of the chips on the floor*
8y/o: “I think it’s more of a Family Size bag now?”
The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.
I already tried new things thanks.
“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook
Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.
hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Mom: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Mom
Mom: Not asking for an artist to help, are they?
Everyone on the plane: Wait, you’re an artist?
Everyone on the plane, including dying guy: Can you draw me?
[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here
I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles
me: [wearing a wire] ok i’m inside the drug dealer’s house
drug dealer: who are you talking to
me: [lowering my voice] he knows
You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
That awkward moment in the confessional when the priest says “Thanks for that mate. I’m actually the cleaner. Wait til the lads hear this!”.
[abducted aboard a UFO]
Alien: Take us to your leader
Me: *shaking* Then what will you do?
A: We’ll return you, unharmed
M: Not… not even a probe?
A: There’s nothing new to learn from probing humans
M: *pouting* Even if I say please?
Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
The list of things that give me heartburn is trending towards everything.
[putting away groceries]
I’m really glad I bought these tomatoes to go with [opens fridge and sighs deeply] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 2 days ago and [looks behind those tomatoes with even deeper sigh] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 3 days ago