I bought my son a book about bats and halfway through it he shouted out, “WHAT??? BATS ARE REAL?!?!” All this time he thought they were made up for Halloween like ghosts and witches
You Might Also Like
I’m only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.
[car dealership]
WIFE: let me do the talking, ur a terrible negotiator
SALESMAN: u can drive off with this car for 18k
ME: we’ll double that
[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]
*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”
Close call…
my girlfriend got annoyed at me for buying our son a whole bunch of new stuff for when he starts school because apparently “cats dont go to school” and “he cant use any of the things in that pencil case because he has paws”
This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses
I’m not going to pay a million dollars to go see a Macbeth movie when I can print off the Shakespeare script for free and go be all the characters in my car
If you change your avi, I will assume you’ve stolen all your previous tweets from that other guy.
Mensa should be calling any day now.
I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.
“Doctor: Put the IV in.
Nurse: The 4 what?”
– chronic problem in Roman emergency rooms
I work with a guy from Mexico who doesn’t speak a lot of English. A Canadian goose made a nest by one of the paddock gates and hissed at him while he was putting horses out. He comes back to us after and says, “I do not like the cobra chicken.”
If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.
Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.
I don’t remember daylight savings having this much of an effect on me. Last night I went to bed at 9:30 and this morning I woke up standing in my neighbour’s backyard dressed as a scarecrow.
My card chip wasn’t reading properly at the gas station so the guy told me to let him “try and slide it in” and all I could do was laugh like I was 12
A fun game you can play with someone who claims they’re going on a detox diet/cleanse is to ask them to name literally one toxin they’re getting rid of, and why the liver somehow missed it
u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same
Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment
Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?
me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new
Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early
“Some say I have a drinking problem”
*pours glass of water on lap*
Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-
POOF![ponytail appears]
Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.
I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?