I bought one follower just to see what it was like and he showed up at my job and his name is Eddie and he’s kind of freaking me out guys.
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all the apology videos are terrible because the people capable of writing a good apology are on strike.
“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in
I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.
me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now
woman: three times though?
bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling
Me: I’m on the carnival diet.
Person: You mean the carnivore diet?
Me: No, the carnival diet. I eat hot dogs, funnel cake, and cotton candy.
Isn’t it ironic that all of Alanis Morissette’s friends knew her song had nothing to do with irony but, being Canadian, were too polite to tell her.
“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
Gramma: When I was your age, a candy bar was a nickel
Me: That sounds really hard to swallow
Ghost: GET OUT
Me: Or what?
Ghost: I’ll close a cupboard loudly and tip over a cup. I have all the powers of a three year-old that has access to a ladder
The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.
My 5 year old brother said “when I’m older I won’t have a GF, I’ll live on my own like my big brother”
YEAH CAUSE THAT’S TOTALLY A CHOICE
KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat
DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes
“I really thought by now we’d all have robots,” he wrote, typing on a small device containing the sum of the world’s knowledge.
Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
The woman doing my nails said the last person did a terrible job and I should start coming to her instead.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.
My wife has been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.
So, Ive taken the hint.
Got her a magazine rack!
[date started at 9 pm]
[9:30 pm] Her: I love long awkward silences.
[10:20 pm] Me: Me too.
My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.
I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.
Me: *rehearsing alibi speech in front of mirror
Cops: {laughing from other side of two way mirror} Is this the dumbest criminal ever?
the pandemic has hit the spaghetti labor market especially hard
If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.
Nothing in my life has made me more insecure than the amount of scam emails I get claiming I’ve won an Oral B toothbrush. Is this now my worth? A mere toothbrush? I used to correspond with Nigerian Princes
*A tiny bee’s eyes widen while putting on his tuxedo for his big day* “did you say Honeymoon”
Anyone know the second rule of fight club?
Have some fun at work: End every comment with a long slow wink
“My report is super late”
*long slow wink*“I swear I didn’t drink at lunch”
*long slow wink*“Oh, I’m fired?”
*long slow wink*