I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
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What idiot called him Frosty the Snowman and not Bill Brrrr?
When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.
3 weeks ago: I can’t get plastic bags for my groceries?!?!! 😠
Today: I can’t get groceries. 😑
This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?
I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.
The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner
I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.
While the Americans are in a food coma, we should switch Twitter and Facebook displays around. Give their hearts a jumpstart.
MyChart App: You have a new message in MyChart
Email: You have a new message in MyChart
Text message: You have a new message in MyChart
Skywriter: You have a new message in MyChart
The Rosetta Stone: You have a new message in MyChart
Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies
To be honest, I’m annoyed that my 5th grade curriculum didn’t include a ‘Defense against the dark arts’ class.
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
I could not be more annoyed
*checks Twitter*
Ok, I’m more annoyed
*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art
Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.
What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.
Surgeon: I’m unable to perform this surgery. I’ve only got 10,000 spoons, when all I need is a knife.
This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight
What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes
Jesus: This is my body
Peter: That’s bread
Jesus: It’s a metaphor dude
Peter: Oh so you’ve been talking in metaphor
Jesus: Sometimes I am Sometimes I’m being literal
Peter: How will we know the difference?
Jesus: It’s easy. If you get something wrong you just go to hell
“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
Me: Necessity is the mother of Invention
Necessity (my wife): I still can’t believe I let you talk me into naming her that
Invention: *crying*
Survivor, but it’s just us touching our faces and then waiting
The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with
I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.
I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.
My husband got me a really sweet card for our anniversary. I read the whole way through, and the very last part says “happy birthday” 😂
He was so close.
me: *summoning the hot dog demon by nailing a shitload of hot dogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hot dog demon: not you again
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
[restaurant]
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok