@jimmytorosian: I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
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@david8hughes: [police interrogation] "What do you do for a living?" "Drug dealer." "Louder, for the tape." [leans in] "Bug healer. I heal bugs."
@peachesanscream: The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
@AndyAsAdjective: "I" before "E", except after "C". That's an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep...efficient.
@novicefather: I listen to gangsta rap sprinkled with a little Sarah McLachlan. Will I murder you? Will I adopt a puppy with you? You don't know.