I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
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Farm to table seasonal menus are hilarious. In August there are 17 fresh vegetable dishes described in flowing prose capped with perfectly framed Walt Whitman quotes and in January there are two sides that come down to “Jason’s sister-in-law found a bag of potatoes in the garage”
*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
Stranger: Your children are angels
Me: So was the devil
Trying to sound more sinister in normal conversation. i just invited my friend out for a drink tonight but i did it by saying “do u wanna meet me for a simple drink at a regular bar no strings attached nothing weird”.
“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house
Me: Man T-Rexes looked so cool
Scientist: Nah actually they looked like giant idiot birds
Me: Oh bummer. They were great hunters tho
Scientist: There’s evidence they were scavengers
Me: Ok maybe just stop ruinin-
Scientist: They wore socks with sandals
People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’
No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS
‘Your Song’ by Elton John was released
53 YEARS AGO TODAY so, that funny feeling inside might be you getting old.
My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it
The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake
Dogdamnit, autocarrot.
I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.
Don’t let Pennywise sour you on the idea of hanging out in the sewers. I met some of my best friends hanging out in the sewers.
[horror movie in 2169]
The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE
[entire audience faints]
I’m not sure I like progress.
I asked my youngest for her Christmas list and she held up her phone and said, “Just scan this QR code.”
my favouritest X’s, ranked:
9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife
im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time
When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
Santa is always broke after Christmas.
That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂
Friend: I saw this guy he looks just like you!
Me: Please dont
Friend: No I’m serious you guys are twins
Me: This is never flattering please just shut up
Friend: Look, I took a picture
Me: Man this is an old tire full of water
Friend: You guys are identical!
[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE
When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
Every time I go down the village there’s one less child and one more goose and I think we really need to make more ‘Do Not Drink’ warning signs for the cursed well.
wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”
My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”
911, what’s your emergency?
Me (whispering): I’m holding a bagel in my right hand
Are you left handed?
No but I couldn’t use my right thumbprint to unlock my iPhone so I used the emergency button
Okay but why are you whispering?
I don’t want the killer to know I have a bagel
Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.