I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.
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Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa
me: I think some people are birds in disguise
friend: lol can I tweet that
me: *narrows eyes* can you what
Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen
Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.
KGB: You’re being activated and sent to America. There you will acquire and report all sensitive and relevant intel and relay back to Kremlin
Bear Family: what’s our cover?
KGB: You will sell crap ton of toilet paper
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle.
Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.
Mr. Trump, what will you do as President?
TRUMP: I’ll outlaw shredded cheese and only sell blocks
Why?
TRUMP: To make America grate again
I have the impulse control of a random number generator.
God: I am the father of humanity.
Human: *changes climate*
God: DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT!
Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
I installed a mirror inside my fridge to make it look fuller, and now I have two empty fridges.
i love corporate logic because a company will fire an entire newsroom full of award-winning journalists to spare the $500k salary of a guy in a corner office whose title is like Senior Vice President of Bad Decision-Making
ME: My dog loves it when I work from home.
DOG [to camera, opening beer]: Between you and me, it’s incredibly inconvenient. I had shit planned today.
Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?
Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?
The low whispered oinking of the haunted ham awakens you at 4am, the hamming hour.
[Don’t let hot barrista know I’m a goose]
“Can I get you a coffee?”
Just a honk chonklate for me
“A what?”
CHOCOLATE, a hot chocolate plz.
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
her: *gets on knees*
me: oh yeah
her: *goes down to all fours*
me: oh yeah
her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*
me: oh no
[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”
1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.
Yeah yeah that virtual reality stuff is all fun & games til your flailing teen accidentally takes out a light fixture.
Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.
*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!
They don’t tell you that it is perfectly legal to swim out into the ocean, grab whatever fish you can, & eat it on the way back
My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire
BEACH BOYS: 🎶 Wouldn’t it be nice if we were older?
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN: 🤔
“Amen and dig in” is a perfectly acceptable way to end a prayer at the potluck because honestly nobody is even listening when there’s food involved.