I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write
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My 3yo wanted me to use my real money to buy pretend food, and then complained I was buying the wrong pretend food, so I think he’s going to be a stockbroker
When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about
Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.
Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.
I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.
“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.
Miscakes
How to woo a woman
TIM: how are you?
ME: it’s Monday
TIM: yeah
ME: the sun is up
TIM: are u just listing facts?
ME: lettuce is a member of the sunflower family
*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
“Name?”
Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…
“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”
Before & after 😅
Dr. to my 9 yr old son: So you’ll pee in this cup…
*9 starts giggling
Dr.:
9: We’re not allowed to say ‘pee.’
Me,rubbing my temples: We say ‘tinkle.’
Dr: E-
Me: YES EVEN THE ADULTS
Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.
I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right
Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years
Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.
philosophical skeletons be like
I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.
A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
Are kids ever okay at all?😂
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me
[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty
for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.
My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.
[restaurant]
date: this chicken is a little dry
me: I think my burger‘s undercooked
waiter: how is everything
me: it’s great
date: so good
[my husband who is a bodybuilder divorcing me]
Me: *explaining to lawyer* I misunderstood cheat day.
Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!
Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.
[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep