@ilovepie84: I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
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@cpabry: Pal - "Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?" Me - "I'll need a screwdriver." Pal - "Sure what type?" Me - "Greygoose or Kettle One."
@MattOswaltVA: saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ
@TheToddWilliams: [lumberjack interview] BOSS: I'm gonna "axe" you a few questions. Haha do you get it? ME: Yeah I "saw" that coming BOSS: Ooo welcome aboard!