I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
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[weapons store]
ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?
I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty
Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.
Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months
I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
They say dress for the job you want not the job you have so I’m wearing no pants. Boss seems angry tho. She must know I’m looking elsewhere.
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
me: Should I pack condoms?
wife*laughs*
me*driving*
wife*still laughing*
me*checks into the hotel*
wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*
Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*
[30 min later]
Wife: …where is he?
Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)
explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process
[1hr before date]
Me: (to waiter) So when I order the extra spicy chicken you say ‘brave choice sir’ and then bring the Lemon Herb chicken
Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.
8: mommy I want to study pastrami
Me: why pastrami specifically?
8: I’m just super interested in the stars
Me: astronomy you mean astronomy
8: pretty sure it’s pastrami
if you have a cat tell them i said pspspsps
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
Maybe Kate Middleton ran away with me. You don’t know.
Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?
Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?
Doctor: it’s a beautiful baby girl!
Nurse: what’s her name?
Me: well we both love Kit Kats
Nurse: that’s so cute! Kit, or Kat?
Me: meet Wafer
Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.
British seasons:
Spring: Two months
Summer: Eight minutes
Autumn: Three weeks
Winter: Seven years
My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
Cat: HUMAN IS TIME 2 DO A NEGOTIATE
Me: ok
Cat: IF U LET CAT EAT JUST ONE PLASTIC CAT WILL PROTECT U FROM SPIDERS
Me: I’m sorry but you can’t eat plastic, it’s really bad for you
Cat: FINE. U AM CHOOSE WAR
Me:
Cat:
Me: where are you going
Cat: MAKE ALLIANCE WITH SPIDERS
16: this guy in gym today said he had a chest infection
Me: did he say if it was it Chestually Transmitted?
16: I’m sorry I tell you anything
Me: he should be refraining from Chestual activity
Be the reason she can’t walk properly.
~ 5 inch heels probably ~
One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.
Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.
How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?