I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
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[in hell]
me: *sad* why am I here?
satan: you’re a murderer
me: what? no I’m not
satan: oh no? *rolls footage of my 3rd grade dance recital* you absolutely SLAYED, guuuuuuurl
me: *blushing* aww
This time of year, I get sick of everyone writing an “X” instead of “Christ”. I think it’s time we all put the Christ back in Christ-box 360
[PHONE]
“TSA, How can I help you?”
Me: “Why did you guys put my frog on the No-Fly List?!”
Agent: “Umm…”
Me: “DAMMIT, HE’S STARVING!”
Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science
[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]
If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge
No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
A man outside Boots told me that Jesus died for my sins. Thanks for spoiling the end of the Bible. I was only up to the bit with the fish.
[my first attempt at standup]
ME: So, I was at the gym the other day…
MY STALKER (from the back): lol no you weren’t
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit
[Airport security]
Guard: Your flight leaves in 5 minutes
Centipede: No problem. I’ll just run. I have 100 legs.
Guard: Remove your shoes
New parent: My child is having a hard time with teething. Any advice?
Veteran parent: Take some whiskey, drink a bunch of it.
I lost my voice.
If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.
I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.
True
If you want to know how I rate in our household, my wife has one term of endearment for me and 74 for our dog.
My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He’s told every other person on earth and I didn’t want y’all to be out of the loop.
My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful
Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.
If you thought the Dalai Lama giggled alot, then you obviously never met the Mwahaharajah
Now then – what’s an oxymoron?
Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!
A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.
ME: I sit when I pee. What’s the big deal?
JELLYFISH STING VICTIM: Nothing I guess.
Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows
some guy at this bar in cork asked me where i was from and i was like “oh i live in new york.” and he was like “oh have you heard of 9/11?”
Cellmate: what did you do?
Me: robbed a bank.
Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?
Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.
Radiohead fans, this is for you.
me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope
is there anything more psychotic than the self-imposed deadline. why am i bullying myself then in turn standing up to my bully (who is me) by not doing the work i know i want to get done but i refuse to be bullied (by me) so i will purposefully miss the deadline (that is fake)