It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.
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Dog: You stopped scratching my head? Is everything ok?!
Me: Yes, everything’s fine. I’ve been scratching your head for 15 minutes.
Dog: Problems at home?
Me:
She took one of the many decoy hoodies that I leave strategically around my place. She never even came close to my true inventory.
boss: u should’ve been here at 9
me: why what happened at 9
lumberjacks will cut a birch
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out
This trial is so absurd 😭
A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts
Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.
When my husband says ‘let me ask my wife,’ he’s just using me as an excuse to get out of whatever you’re asking him to do.
if HBO wants me to watch a Game Of Thrones spin off I want a personal apology for season 8. 12 pt font, double spaced, no funny business on the margins
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
Everyone talking about a baby boom in nine months can only be talking about first borns
The last thing anyone quarantined at home with kids right now wants is more kids
Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.
REASONS TO KEEP A WRITER IN YOUR HOME
• they know weird facts
• they’re low maintenance because all they do is eat and write
• great for midnight chats because they don’t sleep
• if they have to edit they’ll procrastinate by cleaning your whole house
flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”
oh u love jesus “with all of ur heart”? name 3 of his albums
WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.
ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??
If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.
Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.
[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already
Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.
Does this dress make me look cat?
I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.
ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
KIDS: …
STAFF: …
ALBUS: I can’t control them.
[First Date]
Her: Sorry, but your profile pic was misleading.
Oatmeal Raisin Cookie: I never *said* this was chocolate. You just *assumed*