Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.
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[Sesame Street casting]
Director: We need role models for the kids
“There’s a grouch and a cookie addict”
Director: Anything else?
“Two jobless roommates”
Director: First of all I love it
A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.
No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator
My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”
*bugs bunny*
bunny: stop bothering me
Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop
*DOG Talks
Dog (wearing headset):
So when I realized I didn’t *have* to fetch the ball, the power dynamic between me and my human shifted dramatically.
Insomnia: Hi
Me: Hi
I: Hope I’m disturbing you
M: You are
I: You know what we could do?
M: Let me sleep?
I: HA, no, let’s think about hippos
The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets
dream jobs:
• soup reviewer
• seer who prophesies your doom
• old lady who solves crimes in a little english village
• old lady who COMMITS crimes in a little english village
ME: I got us a penguin!
WIFE: Why would you think I’d want a penguin??
PENGUIN: Maybe not everything is about what you want.
ME: *Points at penguin* That. Yes.
not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos
CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]
I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.
If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?
If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.
ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station
[doctor’s office]
Nurse: Can you step on the scale?
Me: Of course.
Nurse: (waiting)
Me: You mean now? Oh hell no!
starbucks: we’ve banned plastic straws!
me: oh hell yes
starbucks: yeah we’ve got these cool new lids instead
me: what are they made of
starbucks: plastic
me:
starbucks:
me:
starbucks: wait shit
the Craigslist guy who sold me a bookshelf today showed me all the staples in his stomach from the surgery he just had. But that’s on me for forgetting to ask him to specifically not do that.
No, I didn’t get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.
Me: Coke please
Waiter: Is heroin okay?
Concierge: I’m afraid we’re all booked up this evening
Me: Maybe this will change your mind *slides bill across desk*
Concierge: Sir…
Me: If you want the rest of your duck you’ll find us a table
I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble
I was bored waiting for my doctor in the exam room but I had fun watching him trying to find the tongue depressor jar I hid.
*gets so drunk I grab a fish out of your fish tank and shakes it at you screaming “WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THIS?!” *
I’ve got an adidas tracksuit just in case I gotta whack someone.
Bought a kazoo to stick in my husband’s mouth when he snores so he can wake himself up in the most annoying way possible
I remember the exact moment growing up when I came to know that a babysitter was not someone who sat on babies.