Accidentally closed a browser with 20+ tabs opened . . . this must be what the scholars of Alexandria felt when their great library burned.
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Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?
[jungle book]
bagheera: “you can’t fight him like a wolf, you’re NOT a wolf, fight him like a man”
mowgli: [writes a strongly worded e-mail]
When my sugar daddy told me no, I asked my sugar mommy, and my sugar daddy found out and now I’m sugar grounded.
I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.
cop: you know why i pulled you over
me: …no ?
cop: come on dude
me: maybe i had a few too many–
cop: WAY too many balloon animals in your trunk
me: i–
cop: you didn’t even close it man. giraffes and wiener dogs all over the road back there
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.
Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.
Sex at 20: yes baby rearrange my guts
Sex at 40: be careful my gut is still a little bloated from all those bread sticks
*waits several days to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
*waits a week to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that
*waits a month to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass
Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.
My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.
We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices
{on first date}
Waitress: HELP! Is there a Doctor in the restaurant?
Date: Aren’t you going to help?
Me: Haha ok well maybe I’m not a Doctor
Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:
Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.
If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.
Essential oils? You mean WD40?
I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN
Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same
Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.
humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out
How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.
i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset
Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.
I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.
Today my 6yo said it was good it’s snowing, as that means the earth isn’t getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News.
new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge