@michaeljhudson: I brought a t-shirt cannon to a knife fight. Everyone dropped their knives to catch their own piece of WNBA history.
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@jordan_stratton: [boss finds pics of me snowboarding] "You missed work bc you said you were sick...& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING" *fist bump*
@Asbo_Unicorn: Unicorns have one horn and everyone says "ooh they're so magical" Cow's have 2 horns & no one cares even though they taste so much better
@robdelaney: My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell :(
@Erma_H_Gersh: 9: "Mom, that's a pretty necklace. Can I have it?" Me: "No, I got it as a gift." 9: "Well, can I have it when you die, then?"