I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
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Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake
“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?
Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶
Optometrist: “You need glasses.”
*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.
Been doing a lot of soul searching as of late and still have not found that darn thing.
Me: You’re getting so tall!
Child: I don’t really like that because it means I’m getting older and when you’re older you’re closer to dying.
Me: …Oh.
Child: Sorry, I won’t talk about that. It might scare you.
Me:
Child: Because you’re already so old and close to dying.
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
absolute chaos
I threw up my hands in disgust last night.
Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.
*Takes off clothes
*Enters meeting room naked
*Coworkers gasp in horror
*Slowly backs out of room[whispers] “you said debriefing”
people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day
SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition
Mushroom: what the heck am I?
God: you’re a mushroom
Mushroom: is-is that good?
God: yes, you have a very important job to do
Mushroom: like what?
God: *envisioning Mario* when the time comes…you’ll know
If you live a certain type of lifestyle, you can tell a colleague, “And then the mice sent an assassin who tried to kill me,” and there won’t even be any follow-up questions.
(Me, on my way in an Uber to a sexy party)
Uber Driver: Going to a party?
Me: Yes actually
Uber Driver: A family party?
Me: God I hope not
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
I am an ordinary woman with a simple dream: Replace all public water fountains with cascading fountains of melted Brie, Cheddar, maybe Gouda.
Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one
An old lady on the bus just tried to set me up with her daughter. Here’s everything she knows about me:
1) I don’t have a car
Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.
6yo: ONCE I HAVE CHEST HAIR I’LL BE A MAN & THEN LADIES CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO ANYMORE
Husband: *dies laughing*
9y.o: “Mom, how many eggs can make an omelette?”
Me: “Well,-“
9: “-I mean, if eggs break, can you still use them?”
Me: …
9: Like, if they smashed all over a floor, could you still make them?”
Me: …
9: “Yeah, so…how do you clean eggs off a floor?”
I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.
Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.