@michaeljhudson: I brought a t-shirt cannon to a knife fight. Everyone dropped their knives to catch their own piece of WNBA history.
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@Rollinintheseat: AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.
@_sleepysmile: He thought I wore a size two. A size two?! I started laughing so hard, I spit out the donut I was eating.
@ElleOhHell: [front of card] No one will find your body [open card] as attractive as I do [back of card] lying at the bottom of an abandoned mine shaft
@KKBowls: "I know what you look like naked" - me to my girlfriends identical twin sister, every single time I see her.