I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.
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Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.
I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
I forced her to tell me what I was to her
Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored
after murdering a dude with a library book john wick then returns it to its place on the shelves. please do not follow his example; you should always return books to the designated reshelving locations so their use may be logged by the staff and orderly statistics kept.
If you love her, shout it from the rooftops. Tell everyone around you. Tell the internet. Tell the cashier at cvs. Tell a hobo. Tell her husband. Whatever.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES
SE: -on your sandwich?
ME: FIXER PUPPER
7yo: You can’t say that, you’ll go to hell and turn into a devil!
4yo: And I will still be cooler than you!
[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?
Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.
“Please be aware that we are experiencing higher than average call volume”
*connects*
Agent: Hello
Me (whispering): hello
I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips
Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.
Murderer:
Have you ever created an amazing #Excel spreadsheet, but then been disappointed because none of your friends or family cares? #AskingForAFriend
me: can I give your dog a pet?
him: sure
me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*
dog: thanks
Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
Me: So, what do you look for in a guy?
Her: Someone tall.
Me: I’m over six feet.
Her: Someone who likes to travel.
Me: I’ve been to Japan.
Her: Someone with a steady job.
Me: I’ve been working since 1954.
Her: You’re Godzilla, aren’t you?
Me: What? No… *Eats a train*
“Oh my god Harvey, you have GOT to see this bathroom.”
CIA boss: I’ve been informed there is a mole in the office
*gasps*
CIA: I called janitorial but they haven’t found it yet
*laughter*
CIA: also someone in here leaked info
*gasps*
CIA: because tim found out about his surprise bday party
*laughter*
CIA: also someone’s a spy
People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting
Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
lawyer: if you can stay a night in this house, it is yours. but beware there’s a terrible cu-
millennial: holy shit home ownership? im in
ghost: *appearing* prepare to die
millennial: omg even better
How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.
Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.
Office fun: replace your coworker’s mouse with a larger mouse so he thinks his hands are shrinking then call him “baby hands” until he quits
[on my deathbed]
me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad
wife: dave isn’t old
me: what
When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”
if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.
interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words