I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.
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But that’s none of my business
The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. – Pets
*draws a line in the sand*
*looks at the line in the sand*
*decides that it might be time to vacuum*
spider: sup
me: omg stay away
spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider
me: there’s good spiders?
spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you
Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.
Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.
Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.
I’m not crazy.
I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.
Co-worker: “If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it’s yours to k..”
Me – “THOSE ARE BOOMERANGS, MICHELLE.”
“so i had the dream again last night,”
priest: *sighs* again, dreaming about sleeping with the green m&m is not a sin. weird, but not a sin
7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.
How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.
If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain
I’m sorry a horse was able to unlock your phone using facial recognition…
[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*
Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
Software Development ⛵️
WIFE: Wanna split the last slice of pizza?
ME: Nah, you take it
KING SOLOMON (entering dramatically): You, sir, are the pizza’s real mother
Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
Alright! Everyone that got a DM containing a map to my treehouse, meet there in 15 mins. Those who didn’t, maybe consider being nicer to me.
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy
When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
told the kids i had trouble with handwriting when i was little and 5yo asked if it was “because pens were made of feathers”
Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
BILLY CORGAN: the world is a vampire
ME: wouldn’t it explode into flames as soon as the sun hit it then?
BILLY: shut up *runs off crying*