*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol
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The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food
“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”
Me: Nothing is set in stone.
Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.
Me: What are we doing for Valentine鈥檚 Day?
My Husband: Raising three kids
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.
hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird
me: i won employee of the month
her: ur self-employed
me:
her:
me: i also got demoted
Director: one of you actors tampered with my DNA last night!
Tom Cruise: not me, I went cruising
Elizabeth Banks: I was at the bank.
Gene Hackman: *drops test tube in surprise*
I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.
Me: check it out, this guy is selling new iPhones for $20
Her: they’re probably phoney
Me: *unvelcro-ing wallet* I hope so, they’re phones
What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem
NATURE DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR: After the python has consumed a huge meal, it’s reduced mobility can leave it open to predation.
ME: It’s fullnerable.
WIFE: Get out.
Did you have a good day or did you grab a rotisserie chicken at the market that wasn鈥檛 sealed and the juice spilled all over your feet? And you were wearing flip flops.
Me: Ooh, I’d love to go to your party, but I have a dentist appointment.
Her: On a Saturday night?
Me: I’ve got really bad teeth.
This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I鈥檝e been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it
Me: I don’t feel well
Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi?
Me: No
Mom: …
Me: …
Mom: …
Me: *throws up plastic banana*
馃檹馃従
How people walk when they鈥檙e:
DATING *holding hands*
ENGAGED *arms locked*
MARRIED *one person is 5 feet in front of the other and yelling back at them for parking so far away*
It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can鈥檛 think of a single pun. Canoe?
Wanted to listen to my audiobook, but didn鈥檛 want to get up out of bed & find headphones so my brain was like ugh, there should be closed captions you can turn on so you can listen to the story silently
Making toast in the bathtub just hits differently
Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”
[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”
[first day as a lion tamer]
me: don鈥檛 worry i totally researched this…
ring master: um ok
me: *pulls out a pig and a meerkat* NOW SING
Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour鈥檚 lot.
Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.
customer service: so the vacuum works just fine but you want to return it cuz it’s… too loud?
me: [looks over at dog] that is correct