I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.
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I think my neighbor is trying to domesticate a coyote.
Friends with kids: what’s the matter with you, why don’t you have kids yet
Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair
[in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.
cop: you know why i pulled you over
me: …no ?
cop: come on dude
me: maybe i had a few too many–
cop: WAY too many balloon animals in your trunk
me: i–
cop: you didn’t even close it man. giraffes and wiener dogs all over the road back there
COP: Do you realize you were speeding back there?
ME: Can you be sure it wasn’t just the planet slowing down?
COP: I’m listening
ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.
nurse: she’s dead
me: let’s see SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.
My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.
Whenever I motorboat a stripper, I spend more time on the left boob cuz its closer to the heart. I’m a die hard romantic.
I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.
Sometimes having a dog is like watching a toddler –
Hi girl! Why are you sticky? Actually never mind, I don’t wanna know *grabs shampoo*
My husband isn’t drinking while he trains for a marathon. There’s all this pressure on me to be supportive, so, reluctantly, I’m now drinking for both of us.
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.
Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?
Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally
ME: i’m depressed
FRIEND: cheer up essential oils will make you feel better
ME: *sprays him with pepper spray* hey it worked
“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”
My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.
It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.
:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”
MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.
Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.
Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”
[Creation]
God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!
Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?
G: *throws a rock*
A: Sick shot!
G: Next time, apes
I haven’t cried since 1997, when I saw the movie Armageddon and realised Ben Affleck was going to be a big movie star.
“What’s up, doc?” says Bugs Bunny. “Not you,” laughs the doctor. “Take these little blue pills.”
*Looney Tunes music plays*
I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”
*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*