@imteddybless: I bumped into a VERY handsome man on the tube platform and now we’re on the train together and i can’t wait to steal furtive glances at him until I get to my stop and do absolutely nothing more about it
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@Home_Halfway: ME: Hey you haven't talked to me lately, are you mad at me FRIEND: No things are just really awful ME: Oh thank god FRIEND: What
@iwearaonesie: [leaving Whole Foods] wife: Can you believe we only spent $100? *bag rips* *apple falls out* me: wife: me: Well that was a waste of $100
@Jamie1947: Give a dog a bone and he'll be like, "Oh wow, I love these, thanks" Teach a dog to bone and he'll be like, "dude, I got this"