I bumped into a VERY handsome man on the tube platform and now we’re on the train together and i can’t wait to steal furtive glances at him until I get to my stop and do absolutely nothing more about it
You Might Also Like
I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues
i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating snickers for breakfast in bed.
I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me
My roomba taught me the secrets to winning the Robot War:
Robots…
– don’t respond to yelling
– can’t deal with rugs with tassels
– become obsessed with vestibules
– are defeated by hair
– hate being picked up
BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop
[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!
her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?
me: he’s my life coach
her: you wanna go to olive garden?
*duck whispers in my ear*
me: that’s a yes
I’m never marrying anyone else that I find on craigslist.
why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits
My 3yo wanted me to use my real money to buy pretend food, and then complained I was buying the wrong pretend food, so I think he’s going to be a stockbroker
ME AT 15: “I want video games to have the best graphics and biggest explosions and deepest stories and coolest characters to show that this is truly the art form of the future pew pew pew”
ME AT 35: “I want video games to have an option to make text bigger.”
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things
Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.
Me: Red is the color of love tho.
me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are
cellmate: i wish
If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.
just left a huge legacy in there
My 8yo did a great job on his school project so he gets to pick any restaurant for dinner and so tonight we’ll be dining at the gas station.
All Amazon reviews are like
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: best product ever!
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: so amazing must buy
⭐️: DONT TRUST THE REVIEWS!! THIS PRODUCT KILLED MY FAMILY
One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.
181.
Want to make a nerd’s head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write “Where’s Captain Kirk?” in the comments.
20s: break dances in bar with traffic cone on head
30s: tries to walk in heels without breaking ankle
40s: yawns too hard and breaks rib
Me: you married?
Him: separated
Me: your wife know about that?
Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it’s ¢75.
Guess that’s the cost of inflation.
I put the h in mysterious.
I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.
My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:
“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
*punches a fish* that’s for tsunamis