@imteddybless: I bumped into a VERY handsome man on the tube platform and now we’re on the train together and i can’t wait to steal furtive glances at him until I get to my stop and do absolutely nothing more about it
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@iwearaonesie: wife *buying dinosaur balloons* clerk: Is it someone's birthday? *smiles at toddler* wife: It is clerk: How old? wife: 35
@AndrewNadeau0: FRIEND: Hey can I see your tattoo of a bat? ME: My what? FRIEND: Your tattoo. ME: ? FRIEND: *Sigh* Your battoo. ME: Of course!
@badbanana: I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I'd try my best to take that thing home.