I bumped into a VERY handsome man on the tube platform and now we’re on the train together and i can’t wait to steal furtive glances at him until I get to my stop and do absolutely nothing more about it
You Might Also Like
What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.
My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”
Me: “Santa died”
Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.
Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones
*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once
[introductions at a party]
Me: this is my first wife
Her: and current wife
Me: and these are her kids
Her: they’re also his
Me: we keep it friendly
Her: on account of we’re still married
Me: and I love these kids like they’re my own
Her: because they are
At Olive Garden my 9 year old told the server, “Compliments to the chef!” Then he leaned too far and fell backward out of his chair.
Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
You ever in a public place and overhear something and look around to see if the person looks as stupid as they sound?
cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
the look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.
I’d rather be liked than loved. When you disappoint a girl who likes you, she’s less likely to make a pact with Lucifer to destroy your life
ME: I need to pee really bad
TEACHER: can you hold it?
ME: probably not. my hands aren’t very good at retaining liquid
sad day today because:
1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.
“I don’t understand swimming. You don’t see fish going for a walk.”
was Jim off killing horses or…
Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.
Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.
Haven’t had a conversation like this in months
Back in my day we didn’t wear helmets while riding our bikes. We just laid there unconscious until someone came and got us for dinner
I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …
[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.
Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.
People are out here fighting over Walmart and Target. Meanwhile, I haven’t stepped a foot in either of these stores for eleven years because of the same people who will fight over and in a Walmart and Target.
*dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache*
“Hello sir or ma’am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat”
Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.