I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.
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Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.
This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting
Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.
Me to my toddler: Listen up, small human. Here are some farm animal sounds you should learn to prepare you to climb the corporate ladder.
My upstairs neighbor/friend passed away last week. We’d exchange hilarious barbs with every encounter.
His daughter just came to the door.Her: “My Dad really loved you. He left you this to help you with transportation, Ms. Caramel.”
It was a broom! 😂🤣
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…
“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
So, this is hard to say, but: Worcestershire sauce
We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.
People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
I’m not saying these people are peeing in the ocean, but I’ve been on the beach for 4.5 hours with a bunch of beer drinkers and not one has left my line of sight yet.
As moms, we make decisions to keep our kids healthy. Like drinking this entire bottle of wine so that my teenager can live another day.
*on death bed*
priest: any regrets my child?
*montage of every time i saw a large dog and didn’t try to ride it*
me: uhhhhh
Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.
Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!
Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.
I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”
Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram
God grant me the dgaf to lol at the things I can’t even, the swag to yolo the things I can, and the lifehacks to know the difference
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
There should be a job like: divorce doula. I’ll help you find a lawyer, convince you that you’re enough, take you out for drinks, let you vent & cry during that hard 18 months, eventually convince you that a $70 sex toy can replace anyone. Start to finish divorce support.
“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
Moist people aren’t offended by the occasional typo.