@GibJimson: I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn't answered a phone call since 2008.
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@SatansTongue: (First date) Me: Don't let her know you're a satanist Her: So what do you do for fun? Me: ＷＨＡＴＥＶＥＲ ＴＨＥ ＤＡＲＫ ＬＯＲＤ ＣＯＭＭＡＮＤＳ
@AmishPornStar1: "What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?" -inventor of Lucky Charms
@bobvulfov: BUILDING INSPECTOR: what's this called DARTH VADER: the death— [inspector's eyes look up from his clipboard] DARTH VADER: uh the health star
@Dr_awfulpants: If your boss says "Correct me if I'm wrong but aren't you supposed to be in at 8am?" don't correct them. Its a trap. They hate being wrong.