I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.
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Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.
Jerry: He offered you a red pill and a blue pill?
George: Two pills, no water
Jerry: No water?
George: No water
Jerry: Cant take a pill without water
George: Never could
Jerry: So what’d you do?
George: I left. I’m not choking down a dry pill
Kramer enters in a leather coat
There’s plenty more fish in the sea
“Actually we’ve 5% the tuna we once had. 10% of sharks. 5% of cod”
I’m bad at consoling dumped friends
When libraries troll their patrons.
god: rabbits
angel: cute. wait, wh-what are they doing
god: ya they do that
angel: they’re multiplying
god: they’ll slow down
angel: they aren’t slowing down
god: holy shit
angel: they won’t stOP FU
[ next day ]
god: porcupines
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: *takes deep breath*
Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.
nurse: how do you rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?
Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?
“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
The dude at the airport parking lot turned on the heated steering wheel in our car we’ve owned for 2+ years and I have no idea how to turn it off. I didn’t even know we had a heated steering wheel.
Shouldn’t Alien vs. Predator just be called Alien vs. Alien?
I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
Meow
I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it
Server: Would you like another glass of wine?
Me: I’m sorry, I don’t have time
Server: For the wine?
Me: No, for silly questions
Scissors Commercial:
*Montage of people karate chopping paper in half*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better… Nevermind that was rad
“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
Apple was started in a garage. Google started out in a basement. Samsung was started inside an old shoe. Sony used to be a split bin bag. What’s your excuse? Adidas was two fish stapled together. Get your shit together.
You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably
Last night my son got sick, so he went to his room to lay down. Could barely move and he looked horrible.
Half an hour later the ice cream truck comes down the street and guess who RAN to the door begging for ice cream 😂
Him: I think you pick fights with me to get out of doing things together
Me: That’s not true
H: Wanna go hiking
M: I don’t like your tone
One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.
I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”
Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…
The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.
Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?
I don’t go to Starbucks very often. It’s intimidating. I never know how to order. Last time I ended up with a cup of hot dog water.
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.