I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.
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Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.
I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂
horse prosecutor: did you do it?
horse defendant: neigh
horse prosecutor: here, have some water and think again
horse defense attorney: objection! leading the witness!
I believe the plural is “milves.”
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine
This fall on Fox:
X-Files Babies.
Baby Skully and Baby Mulder meet at a petting zoo when they both get knocked over by the same goat.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
ME AT 15: “I want video games to have the best graphics and biggest explosions and deepest stories and coolest characters to show that this is truly the art form of the future pew pew pew”
ME AT 35: “I want video games to have an option to make text bigger.”
“Full of sound and fury signifying nothing.”–how I told my wife the baby was gassy but didn’t have poop. Thanks, English degree.
Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.
instead of meal prepping on sundays, have u considered taking an impromptu and cost ineffective trip to the grocery store every single day of the week?
My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.
I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.
If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”
[First day as a beaver]
Me: Dam.
fake deep people on this website will post like “do not spend time explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you” because they got in trouble for being on their cell phone at work
Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?
“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies
ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you
5: mom! daddy is smoking a brisket in the kitchen!
me: daddy smokes meats outside in the smoker. If he’s in the kitchen, he’s burning a brisket
Friend: Who’s that?
Me: Oh…that’s crazy Kathy.
F: Why do you call her that? Is she funny or something?
Me: No. She eats hair.
Wow! This Child Actress is All Grown Up, and You Won’t Believe How Much She Hates Your Obsession With What She Looks Like Now:
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
The glory of fall.
Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over
‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
When you’re firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots