I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
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I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.
Her: She’s a ten but she-
Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.
Nepal: “just like awkwardly stack two triangles to make our flag”
All the other countries have rectangles
“TWO TRIANGLES”
Alright ok fine
If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.
When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.
My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.
I think about this often.
Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.
Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.
LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors’ noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry
what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”
If you spend “up to $9000” on my funeral it better be on some kind of mechanism that makes me sit up in the casket when people walk by.
Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep
Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
Sometimes I think about starting a podcast and then I remember all I do during conversations is nod.
Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
[1st day as a Transformer]
GAS STATION ATTENDEE: And your total comes to $43,789.95
ME: (becomes a Decepticon)
rich people when they have to pay taxes
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
[First Date]
Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?*flips hair*
*twirls*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*Him:
Me: Hey! Come back!
Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.
Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.
Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
*stands over dads casket*
“Mom isn’t doing well, dad.”
*puts hand on dad’s shoulder*
“You need to stop building caskets. It’s creepy.”
I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say “oh no, my cheds” faintly from across the room
Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.