I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
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My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
To those going to Miami tomorrow, please be sure to visit our fun fair setup at the Courthouse.
Photo booths, 23&me test kits, fingerprinting, make your own bracelets…
Be there, will be wild!
“I hope to find you well.”
I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.
Boss: why are your eyes red?
Me: I got shampoo in them
Boss: we’ve talked about this
Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes
Boss: mhm
Me: but you can’t deny this volume
Boss: oh I am painfully jealous
Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job
Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.
This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet
[first day as a stand-up comedian]
batman: how’d I do, alfred?
alfred: i felt like your dad.
batman: proud?
alfred: 💀💀
but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim
My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi
*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
I finally got 10 hours of sleep. I mean it took 4 days to get there, but still.
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator
hot girl at the club: so can i get your phone number?
me: hell yeah
girl: how about your address?
me: oh for sure, come by
girl: and your mother’s maiden name?
me: wait what
E. Coli and the dysenteries is a great name for a band
I could NOT have put it better myself.
When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late
We’ve come full circle
[waving hands and chasing down ice cream truck] Hey!
“What’ll it be?”
[out of breath] Nothing. Just wanted to tell you I’m vegan
The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.