I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…
Like a playa
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Catering service
Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
Establish dominance by jumping into a cake.
Don鈥檛 worry, you鈥檙e not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning
[army training]
Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed
I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
I鈥檓 not wrong
[GOING BACK IN TIME]
Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!
Everybody: The what now?
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20
me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know
Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.
*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*
Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.
saving face 馃憖
[first date]
him, a cop: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
Ugly sweater day at work. I’m wearing a new, really nice expensive sweater but walking around saying “ugh, please, this old thing.”
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
Chemical wingman
I think I have resting watching sex scene with my parents face
No one:
My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.
(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)
Of all of the profound disappointments that I have faced in my life, be they personal or professional, none is more firmly fixed in my mind, nor more likely to have caused my deeply-rooted trust issues, than the discovery at age four that Play-Doh doesn’t taste the way it smells.
Why don’t men ever think to do helpful catcalls like “YO SEXY THE SIDEWALK IS CLOSED AT THE END OF THIS BLOCK – CONSIDER REROUTING, MAMI!”
Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it
I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need
If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It鈥檚 always like bam, there鈥檚 a snail
For those without heat in Texas, there are warming shelters throughout the state. See map at link below or call 211 for assistance. If you have a medical device that requires power, call 911. Texas twitter, please add additional resources to this thread.