Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.
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I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”
And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep! we landed a robot on mars!
scientists today: for the last time, the earth is *round*
Friend: Can you give me a ride?
Me: I’ll give your MOM a ride!
[Later]
Me: So Mrs. Tromlhorn, anywhere else besides the dentist?
Her, 4: I want a baby! New baby sister? Or brother?
Me: We can’t have another baby. You would need a new daddy for mommy to have another baby
Her: New cat?
How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.
People wonder why I move to a new place every couple years. The truth is, I’m being chased by a snail with a grenade and a vendetta.
Alien wife: I hope you get sucked into a black hole.
Alien hubby: Yours? Hahaha
*slaps where his knee should be*
Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.
Murderer:
A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.
It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner
When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
Wife: “Bad day?”
Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”
Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”
“I can’t please everybody.”
“You’re not pleasing anybody.”
“So you agree with me.”
But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.
Worst perfume name ever.
A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!
I’m starting an eraser company and looking to get the word out
Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*
Me: Let’s go to Chipotle
Justin: Hold on. My leg is asleep
Me: *whispering* Oh, sorry. Let’s go to Chipotle
9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.
5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉
THIS IS THE COPS, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP
“No”
WE WON’T ASK AGAIN
“No”
Ok guys, let’s go. We can’t ask again
Oh, dearest paracetamol,
A mystery to me,
Why sometimes you cost £1.10,
But sometimes 20p.
Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
*shudders
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed
My husband wants to know why our microwave is suddenly filthy like the break room microwave back at his office. I only see one common denominator here.