I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.
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Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?
This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around
Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can’t pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer
Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”
Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
[talking to a frat bro]
Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.
me hitting on a model
her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…
him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?
Server: Congratulations, ma’am
Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?
S: Your husband said you’re eating for two
M: Oh she’s not pregnant
W: I despise you
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…
I was shocked.
With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?
I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives.
The police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.
I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.
Me: Thanks for taking the time
Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself
If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party
My sister told me a guy dressed as Michael Myers for a 3k today. Slow walked the entire time and finished dead last.
There are few things I respect more than full commitment to the bit.
“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.
If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.
WAP on, WAP off
-Cardi Biyagi
Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…
There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot
I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…
“My safe word was Worcestershire.”
— A ghost
I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.
worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost